The Five Places to Hide in Owensboro During the Zombie Apocalypse [List]
I am a huge of The Walking Dead. Though, I'm not really sure I would be a huge fan if there were zombies actually roaming around the streets of Owensboro. That would suck. As one of the characters says in Shaun of the Dead, "They're a bit bitey!" And they may walk slowly, but they're really good at sneaking up behind you or just appearing out of nowhere. That's why I have compiled a list of the Five Places to Hide in Owensboro During the Zombie Apocalypse. This is a survival guide, People. I want to be able to see these things coming and I would prefer to have Daryl's crossbow or Michonne's big old sword too. I think I have just the places to set up shop and get ready for battle.
1) The Top Floor of the Roosevelt House
Look! It's the tallest building in Owensboro, right? From the top floor, you can literally look out over the entire city and surrounding areas. And, there's even better news. The Roosevelt House was just completely renovated and the apartments are totally modern and full of amenities. You can make mad dash to Kroger for supplies. And, if the zombies ever decide to try to bust up in the building, it will them FOREVER to make it to the top floor. The elevators inside the Roosevelt are SLOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW! And there's no way a zombie, with those club feet and that drunken, dazed swagger is going to make it up that many flights of stairs. #NotHappening
2) The Convention Center Ballrooms
There are several reasons that the third floor of the Owensboro Convention Center is a great escape option during the zombie apocalypse. First of all, it's going to be relatively easy to fortify. The public (i.e. the blood-thirsty and flesh-hungry zombies that want to gnaw on you like a Slim Jim) can only really access that floor from stairwells and escalators on "main entrance" side the building. And there are balcony overhangs on the south side of the building that allow you a prime vantage point. Trust me. With all that glass on the front of the building, you're going to see that pack of walkers heading your way from Walnut. You got this. And, what makes the Owensboro Convention Center such prime real estate? The ballrooms have amazing river views. And you'll be able to get those river views for cheap after the virus wipes out the real estate market. Seriously! And think of this too. While the streets of Owensboro are blood-ravaged and overrun with death, all you have to do to take a mental timeout is just look out your windows to the north and let the calm, peaceful waters of the Ohio take your mind off the apocalypse for a while. And, if you're lucky enough to have Head Chef Stephen Helm and Sous Chef Buddy McCarter get get trapped with you, you won't have to worry about scavenging for food. You'll have an endless supply of Coconut-Crusted Chicken and Almond-Stuffed Dates Wrapped in Candied Bacon. Yes, please! Bring on the zombies.
3) The Announcer's Booth at Jack C. Fisher Park
This idea is genius. First of all, the booth is directly above the concession stand (nachos for life!). And, from the announcer's booth you can literally see all four sides of the park. And that park, I will remind you, is completely surrounded by a two-tier chain link fence. And that fence is extremely sturdy. I know this because I used to play softball out there and made a handful of ESPN-highlight reel-style catches that sent me plowing into the thing. It's a miracle I escaped without stitches or tetanus. So bring it on zombies. And good luck getting through the fence without getting a Louisville Slugger of Easton Stealth Flex upside the head.
4) The Firemen Tower at 14th and J.R. Miller Boulevard-
This vantage point does plop you very near the center of town and there's Huck's nearby for snacks and a Pizza Hut within blocks. But be warned! There no restroom facilities in the tower. So, you're going to have to be comfortable holding it for eternity, or climbing down the stairs and risking your life to pop a squat or throwing caution to the wind and just letting all it hang out from the tower. Now that we're on that subject. What exactly did Rapunzel do? She was in the exact same predicament minus the Dead trying to eat her face. Did she have pee pads up there? At any rate, the Firemen Tower, like Jack C. Fisher park is surrounded by chain link fence and there are fire trucks handy. And trust me, if I am gonna have to hop into a vehicle to make a supply run and try to plow throw a parade of zombies, I am going to do it with a fire engine. Those things are built like battering rams and they're armed with Super Soakers.
5) The Concrete Trees at Smother's Park
This may seem like a stretch, but this has the potential of genius. And, when you get right down to it. It's near a gigantic fountain, so you'll at least have a place to bathe periodically. And if you watch The Walking Dead, you know those people could use a big dose of body wash and Axe Body Spray. #preach. But, the reason this is on the list is three fold. #1- You could build a really cool tree house in one the top of one of those things (remember that Elijah Wood and Kevin Costner movie The War?). It already kinda looks like a fortress anyway. #2- I don't think the zombies are going to fare too well on the spongy flooring below. They already walked jacked up anyway and that surface is a zombie face plant waiting to happen. It's already claimed some uninfected adults I know. #3- If you use the concrete trees to survive the zombie apocalypse, we may FINALLY justify the tax money we spent for them!
Oh, and we can't have the "zombie apocalypse" talk without this . . .
(Dis) Honorable Mention: Gabe's Tower
I thought that Gabe's would be an ideal location because it's basically in the center of town and offers a vantage point from every possible direction. The only problem is that I think it's probably already full of zombies. Seriously! If there's ever a zombie outbreak in town, I am just going to assume that it started at Gabe's. Pretty sure this is Patient Zero.