It's no secret.  I am absolutely no fan of public restrooms.  Some of the most traumatizing moments of my life have happened inside them.  They're almost always uncomfortable . . . but THIS one takes the cake.  The urinal cake.

First of all, I have to confess.  I have so many issues using the restroom in public that I have trained my body not to have to.  This may be TMI, but I only do #1 in public.  LOL!  And I know exactly the last time I attempted to do #2 in public.  It was in Los Angeles, California . . . 1997 . . . at a Jewish Community Center.  Yes!  That is the last time these cheeks have been subjected to public porcelain.

I have had some awful moments inside public restrooms.  Like the time I was washing my hands inside the restroom at the North 40 Truck Stop between Nashville and Memphis and a guy walked in with a container of food.  I repeat.  He walked into the restroom with a CONTAINER OF FOOD!!  Not kidding  He walked into a stall, sat down, popped open his lunch and started to eat.  UGH!!

Or, how about the time at LaGuardia when I flushed the toilet and the water sprayed out of the bowl like the geyser Old Faithful?  I thought I was going to hurl right everywhere.  If I could have given myself a Karen Silkwood scrub down in there, I would have.

Or how about a month ago, when I was in an airport restroom and some guy came running in at 100 miles an hour?  He dashed into the stall, unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants as he ran . . . and then plopped down and proceeded to create his own mushroom cloud.  I can't even describe the sounds that man was making.  But he was about to blow.  I seriously thought I was going to have to assume the tornado-ready position.

But, despite those experiences, I don't know that I ever been in a restroom as uncomfortable as this one.  This is WRONG in so many ways.

Does anyone know where this restroom is?  I'll give you a hint.  It's the men's room at a very popular Evansville restaurant.  And, trust me, your evening of dining will take a regrettable turn if you go to reach for the soap and you discover a neighbor to your right.

My two pieces of advice: 1) Eyes straight ahead; 2) pray your depth perception is on its mark when you reach for the soap dispenser.