10 Outrageous Things My Children Have Actually Done
Life is tough out there ladies, especially when you have kids. Kids bring such joy and love to our lives, but they also bring a lot of headaches and disasters too. Anyone that's been around a kid longer than five minutes knows they can be wild, weird, funny, blissfully naive, and brutally honest. I have two boys, one a toddler and one a pre-schooler. The 'fun' ages. Let me just clarify that while their ages are fun, their behaviors are not always fun. As a parent, their behaviors are sometimes mortifying. Here are 10 things my kids have actually done that are weird and outrageous:
1) Let It All Hang Out
Oh, yes. My oldest kid who is five has done this on multiple occasions. He peed in broad daylight at the Farmer's Market once. When he was smaller, he actually would pull his pants down to his ankles and say, “Mommy I gotta poop,” and just waddle, pants around ankles, to the nearest bathroom. Ah, the good ol' potty training days.
2) Repeated a Cuss Word
Uhg. I'm not as good at watching my mouth as I should be around my kids at times, and it has, on occasion, bitten me in the 'A' word. One of my boys was playing at his great-grandma's house when he got frustrated and let loose with a loud and proud “D” word. Luckily, Nana thought it was so cute that she forgot it was a cuss word.
3) Made Disgusting Balls Of Urine Soaked Toilet Paper
My then four year old decided that it would be funny to pretend he was pooping so I would leave the bathroom for a few minutes for his 'privacy'. (Still trying to teach these dang kids privacy so I can have some, but it still hasn't stuck.) In the three minutes I left him alone, I came back to what I can only describe as the urine toilet paper massacre of 2016. Giant spit ball-esque wads of toilet paper soaked with urine and mixed with toilet water lined the walls of the bathroom. He got in big trouble that day.
4) Dumped Water In The Vent
Yes. My child thought it would be a fabulous idea to dump what ended up being over a gallon of water into our kitchen air vent. At first, my husband and I just thought he was playing by the vent because kids think that vents are neat, since they blow out air. After a while, we realized he was actually sneaking off to get the purified baby water and was dumping it down the vent. When we opened the vent, there were toys floating in the new mini-lake he had created. Luckily, the shop-vac took care of the water and no permanent damage was done. These kids never cease to amaze me with their antics.
5) Colored My Brand New Couch With a Pen
Toddlers are funny in the sense that they think anything they accomplish is a magical thing. I believe this is because as parents, we constantly praise them for every little thing they do. Unfortunately, both of my children now think they are world class artists. My toddler sneaked a pen out of my art drawer recently and colored on the brand new couch with a dark purple pen. Within two minutes he did 5 different spots in 3 different general areas. Not only did he color the couch, but he was super proud of it until he realized he would get in trouble for rummaging through my drawers. Then, he immediately started crying. Kids start the mommy guilt trips early, folks!
6) Ate Candy off of the Ground
One of the grossest things I have witnessed is my kid eating things off of strange floors. Generally, when they're toddlers, I keep a close eye on them because I know that they put everything in their mouths. However, I did not think it was necessary to watch my then four year old at the playground for that specific reason. By this age, he knew better than to eat things off the ground, or so I thought. It all happened in slow motion too. I glance over to check on him after messing with the baby, and I see him, candy in hand, contemplating eating it. I start to scream, “NO!” Alas, it's too late. He pops the candy in his mouth. I yell at him to spit it out, and he says, “Mom, it's just a candy. I found it.” Then, he swallows it. Meanwhile, I'm mortified and panicked all at the same time. Do not eat food you find on the floor! I now repeat that to them over and over everyday, and I probably will until they're eighteen.
7) Played in Dog Poop
I don't even know why this happens, but it did. Dog poop stinks so bad, and yet my toddler thought it would make a fine, stinky play doh. However, that quickly backfired when he smeared it all over his hands and cheek. He then started yelling, “Yucky,” at his grandma who was watching him at the time. Needless to say, he went immediately in the bathtub. We even had to cut his nails because they were caked with poo!
8) Puked on Himself
My oldest child has strong aversions to certain smells, including food smells. At four years old, he was sitting at a table in a nice restaurant here in Evansville when his food came and he didn't like the way the mac and cheese smelled. His dad explained it was the same mac that he always eats, just a little bit different. Our child then proceeded to throw a fit and refused to eat. His father thought that he should try at least one bite, so he put one bite in front of his nose. Our kid then immediately started gagging and projectile vomited onto the table and into the Mac. Did I mention we were at the restaurant for his grandfather's birthday party? To put the icing on the proverbial vomit cake, my kid laughed all the way to the bathroom while his dad carried him. Aside from the vomit, it actually turned out to be an okay dinner.
9) Ate Dog Food
Both of my kids have fought me as toddlers about eating the freaking dogs' food. They are both extremely picky eaters and yet they'll eat the dog food that smells like dead fish. No matter where we moved the food, they would find it. We finally bought an entirely sealed container with a simple lock and they both were able to break into it and eat the food. WHY?! Luckily, I think this weirdo phase is over.
10) Dumped an Entire Bottle of Water Into The PS4
Fun story. One time my four year old dumped an entire 16oz bottle of water into the brand new Playstation 4 while my husband and I were making lunch because he thought it would be 'funny'. Miraculously, after letting it dry out for 3 full days, it fired right back up and still works to this day. Say what you will about video games, but I will forever stick with Playstation brand now!
Kids try our patience, and sometimes on purpose. They push boundaries and they do weird stuff. The silver lining is that luckily, they're also sweet and loving and delightfully innocent...most of the time. I love my kiddos!