What Are The Worst Songs Ever Recorded?

Even though it was over a decade ago, I will never forget it. I was sitting in Owensboro's Pizza Roma location on Carter Road (may it rest in peace) one Saturday night enjoying my delicious Hot Cheese Sticks and Baked Spaghetti. About that time, the song "Easy" by Lionel Richie & The Commodores started to play on the radio. I absolutely LOATHE that song and I immediately starting getting the bubble guts.

Now, I know that sounds like exaggeration, but it's not. My body revolted against the song and I immediately wanted to barf, poop, or both. I have absolutely no specific explanation for it. But "Easy" drives me up a wall and I literally have a physical reaction to it when I hear it. Maybe something traumatic happened to me as a child while Lionel Richie was singing. I feel the same way about the theme of the The Andy Griffith Show, so anything's possible, I suppose. But the mere thought of that song makes my skin crawl like I'm in that movie Bug with Ashley Judd or Snakes on a Plane with Samuel L. Jackson.

But, here's the deal. "Easy" isn't alone. There are other songs that have the same effect on me and I feel like should share them with you as a public service. I encourage you to avoid these songs too.

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I proudly call this list The Worst Five Songs Ever Recorded. These are five songs that literally make me want to take an ice pick and "Sharon Stone" my ear drums!

Oh, hell! Let's add in a sixth. Here's a dishonorable mention that needs ZERO explanation. "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" by the horrifying, Stephen King-inspired Tiny Tim.

I mean, if anything screams "The guy driving the ice cream truck is going to abduct you and make a coat out of your skin" it's that song!

#5: EASY- THE COMMODORES

I explained this above. Childhood trauma while Lionel was singing. I'm convinced of it. Call me "Boy Interrupted." And, look! I actually like Lionel Richie. I was just at the Book & Music Exchange in Louisville over the weekend and bought his Greatest Hits CD. I'm just going to skip that particular song EVERY SINGLE TIME.

#4: BABE- STYX

GROSS!! I'm not sure why this song gives me the creeps so badly. After all, if any Styx song should send me to the ceiling like a cat it's "Mr. Roboto." But there's something so To Catch a Predator about this. Does anyone else feel like they need to take a hooker's bath in the sink when he resolves the chorus with that droopy "Babe, I love you?" Get me a loofah and a plunge pool full of Borax. I feel dirty!

#3: COMING UP- PAUL MCCARTNEY

Was he for real with that song? That song is literally the musical equivalent of a Jack-in-the-Box. It just winds up until that scary voice pops out. And you know what I wanna do when I see a Jack-in-the-Box "coming up"? I want to grab a sledge hammer and play Whack-a-Mole with it!

When I contracted COVID-19 back in December of 2020, I had a lot of health complications. I got a blood clot, suffered from heart arrhythmia, and got debilitating tinnitus. For about two years, I experienced constant ringing in my right ear. THAT was more pleasant than listening to Paul McCartney's falsetto.

#2: TEARS OF A CLOWN- SMOKEY ROBINSON & THE MIRACLES

For me, Smokey Robinson = Stranger Danger. He's right up there with Roy Orbison on my "Don't walk into a dark alley, wear snug gym shorts or eat a Tootsie Roll Pop around him" list. I'm sure he's a nice person, but I find him more terrifying than Pennywise. And, honestly, that's a pretty good description of this song. Take Smokey's voice out of the equation and just listen to the music. It's like a soundtrack for a caravan of clown cars. I can't even begin to deal with it. I'd rather chase a red balloon down the barrel of a storm drain than listen to this song.

#1: HAPPY TOGETHER- THE TURTLES

As regrettable as the rest of my Top 5 are, NOTHING compares to this. If you ask me, the single worst song ever recorded I will answer this one. "Happy Together" freaks me out every time I hear it. I can't stand the guy's voice. I abhor the chord progression because it sounds like some creeper leaping and bounding down the street at me. Oddly enough, my friend Amy's parents danced to this at their wedding. She was always highly offended that I objected to this song so badly and had visceral reactions anytime I heard it. But nothing about this song makes me HAPPY. It's awful.

And, I have to give a shout out to my friend Mary-Katherine. Last October, she and I served as the hosts for Theatre Workshop's Cabaret Nights, which took place just days before my birthday. Much to my surprise, dismay, and horror, she led the crowd in a sing-along of the song. If I could have taken a swan dive into a panic room, I would have.

So, what about you? Is there a song that you consider to be the worst song ever recorded?